Is it worth having an extra-marital affair?

Extra-marital affairs are oh so common (Corbis Images)

Extra-marital affairs work for those who want that extra spice, says Rupali Dean.

Infidelity is perhaps as old as marriage. And, along with the growing tribe of cheating spouses, there are some partners who remain blissfully unaware of any damage to their marriage.

Interestingly, the Infidelity Facts website states that up to 41 per cent of spouses who cheat actually admit to their affair. "It's nothing new, but more in the open now," says Sarika Pilot Chaudhry.

Many, who are prone to experimenting, do it guilt-free as long as they're meeting "responsibilities" in the domestic space. Mrs and Mr Shah were the most perfect couple; they made the most brilliant hosts at parties and seemed inseparable. Later, the husband was seen romancing Nirali in another city. He reasoned, "I love my wife, but since we have been married for so long, I am a bit bored and need that excitement. Nirali is also married, so it's 'safe'! I love it when she accompanies me on an official trip as we can spend time exclusively. I am enjoying it while it lasts."

Expert speak
Psychiatrist Dr Himanshu Saxena believes males by nature are polygamous. He agrees that Indians are more open about expressing their sexuality now. "Often, it's marital disharmony that leads to extra-marital affairs. In arranged marriages, the spouses may not click, and look for options elsewhere. A liberal media and generally more openness with the opposite sex, such as colleagues, bring people closer emotionally and sexually." He adds, "The seven-year itch persists and if marital relations stale, a fresh person appears more interesting."

No guilt!
For some, an affair provides something lacking in their own marriage, which could be sex or mental stimulation. Rajesh Goyal, married for 12 years and recently blessed with a son says, "I don't feel guilty. My wife has no reason to complain; I give her all that a loving husband would, but my girlfriend is my ideal companion and lover. And, one can't marry everyone they love, right?"

For Maya, it's just about sex, "I love my husband deeply and can't dream of any other man in my life. Unfortunately, he has a low libido and I don't want to lead the life of a nun; I am young and have my desires, so if it's a man that excites me, I simply have to go ahead."

Then there are the serial cheaters or the sex addicts! 'Sex is wilder and more exciting with a stranger," shares Krishna.

Is it worth it?
Says socialite Sonu Wassan, "To bring back the spark in the marriage, an affair can act as a catalyst." Adds Arjun Sawhney, who runs a PR firm, "Humans are not monogamous, so if you feel it's fine and your partner is okay with it, go for it. Variety is the spice of life."

Comedian Gurpreet Ghuggi warns, "I think one gets into this purely for sex and it's not worth risking your marriage."

In 'open marriages', individuals have to learn the art of backing off before things become too hot to handle. Ultimately, whether it's an affair of the mind or for sexual pleasure, it's the families they want to go home to!

(Some names have been changed to protect identity)

timeslife@timesgroup.com

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What couples really want in bed

What couples really want in bed (Thinkstock photos/Getty Images)

Couples want emotional intimacy in their sex lives, new research has suggested.

In a poll conducted by YourTango and Durex of more than 1,000 people, 96 percent surveyed said that the best sex they had is with someone with whom they were able to get emotionally connected, the Huffington Post reported.

In addition, 92 percent said that when theirpartner displayed vulnerability it was a turn-on for them.

The respondents confessed that the topconfidence boosters were being with someone that they love, which was followed by their feeling good about their sexual abilities and when their partner complimented them.

90 percent of those surveyed said that they believe sex can get better over time.

People also said that the top 3 requirements for having great sex is physical attraction, emotional intimacy, feeling secure and loved.

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He doesn't find me attractive anymore..

He doesn't find me attractive anymore... (Thinkstock photos/Getty Images)

So is it really true that a husband loses interest in his wife after pregnancy? Reports claim that every one in three women feel that their husbands do not find them attractive anymore after child birth.

Almost half of women surveyed accused their husbands of 'forgetting' who they were since they became a mother. A mere 12 per cent said their husband termed them as 'feminine' while 69 per cent said they were termed as 'tired'.

Pyschologist Seema Hingoranny cites an example about a man who came for counselling saying that it was as it becoming difficult handling a crying baby and now he has a crying wife too. "Men feel their wives become unapproachable and too senstive to things. They prefer to maintain a little distance and women usually misintepret this action of theirs", she says.

Stress counsellar, Yatri Thakkar refutes this myth saying it is just a matter of time, "Women undergo a lot of hormonal changes and become moody. They usually end up having a low self-esteem postpregnancy. As time passes everything becomes normal."

A phenomenon called as mumnesia by researchers, women say they forget what they were as a person before birth and change completely. But Hingoranny feels that couples should not throw intimacy out of the window. "Take that extra step to dress well, spend some quality time with him and initiate things. He will feel the effort and definitely reciprocate," she says.

Fun things for a husband to do after childbirth

1. You can make early morning bed tea for her. It'll bring a smile on her face the first thing in the morning.

2. Share her work after you come back from office. You can help by bringing the vegetables or dusting the house.

3. Take her for outings and spend time with her.

4. Take snaps of both of them and make a collage. Looking back at old snaps is a great bonding exercise.

5. Give her an ocassional massage. Make her relax and play music for her. It'll lighten her mood.

6. You can bring books regarding baby care. It will make both of you more aware about your new born.

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How to become friends with your ex

How to become friends with your ex (Thinkstock photos/Getty Images)

Not keeping in touch with your ex is passe. We tell you why you should keep in touch with your ex and how the two of you can stay in touch.

Once the worst time is over for you and your partner, you can always try becoming friends again. After all why should you miss out on good people from your life?

The fact is that your ex knows you a lot better than anyone else. Thus it is much easier to communicate your problems with them.

Do not let past feelings come in: When the two of you bridge differences and plan to become friends again, do not let feelings from the past seep in. When you involve feelings which should not be a part of your friendship, it tends to break away eventually.

Don't expect too much from the friendship: Even though the two of you might have been able to strike a chord, refrain from expecting too much from your friendship with your ex. This is because the two of you have moved on in life and when you begin to expect more than what you should, it hampers your friendship.

Don't be a nag: You should not be nagging your ex or interfering too much into their lives. You must realise that you are just friends now and nothing more than that and if you try to push yourself further, it might make situations bad for you as well as your ex.

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Why young people give up on life

Why young people give up on life

The shocking suicide of 25-year-old Bollywood actress Jiah Khan has brought forth many sensitive issues in the entertainment industry. We ask two people, one from the fraternity and an outsider, their view on the rising number of suicides... 

Dipannita Sharma, model 

"It's very difficult to figure out the psyche of a person, who has just faced failure. Personally, I don't understand how today's young minds can pursue suicidal thoughts. During such times, you have to count your blessings and look at life with a very positive outlook. Always see the glass half full because if you look at the empty half, you're only going to feel less adequate. To overcome that negative state of mind, keep your support system, like your parents, close by. Life is such, — someone or the other is always going to be more successful or happier than you — so don't keep waiting and wasting your time for living in a 'perfect' world. 

Whether it's a personal relationship or a career that didn't succeed, there's always something better in store in your future. Also, professionally, keep a backup plan ready, in case things don't go your way. There is so much to do in this world, that you will find what you're good at eventually. But most importantly, no matter how hard you fall down, learn to move on from failure, because moving on is the only constant. It is in your hand to decide whether you're a winner or a loser, don't let the world judge that." 

Santosh Desai, social commentator 

"Even if you go back in time, you will come across people who will take drastic steps, if they don't get what they want — whether it's failing an exam, falling short of meeting parental expectations or not being able to marry the love of their life. People get affected and frustrated the most when they are unable to meet their own expectations. A person experiences total lack of faith and hope because we have these unrealistic expectations and fantasies from our lives, which most of the time, don't get fulfilled. So in a way, we ourselves are responsible as we set ourselves for easy disappointment. 

Never define success on the basis of whether you've achieved what you want in life; if you use those parameters, you're never going to be happy. Instead, be realistic."

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Debunking relationship myths

Debunking relationship myths

Here's to take a few moments at how hard relationships are:

When it comes to your love life, it maybe doing more harm than good to you. It is always nice to have an open mind to love, but considering the grass to be always greener may make you fall for something superficial.

We are deeply in love...
Though it is great to have somebody who loves you as much as you love yourself, chances are that you might find yourself feeling irritated with the constant shower of love and affection from your beloved. Let's get real... you might love your partner and he may love you as much, but there's nothing like being in love always. You will have your share of arguments and fights — and love will definitely go out of the window then.

We never go to bed angry...
It's great to have your problems resolved before you go off to sleep. But we all know that not all our problems and fights are resolved the same day. Most of the times we prefer going to bed without having a discussion or trying to resolve issues because it's better off that way.

We have nothing in common, so our relationship won't last...
Well it's easy to come to a conclusion about whether you gel with each other or not, but its better not to have any preconceived notions as far as your relationship is concerned. If you and your partner prefer watching different TV shows, or have different tastes in music that does not mean that the two of you are not compatible. Sometimes it's better to have someone who doesn't think like you or have the same interests as you.

This helps create a balance in your relationship.

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Habits every woman must ditch

Habits every woman must ditch (Thinkstock photos/Getty Images)

While most of us make it a point to eat healthy and exercise as often as possible, we tend to ignore other simple things that actually take a toll on our well-being.

Find out if you are compromising on your health everyday by indulging in these habits that you must say goodbye to pronto...

Wearing heels often
Do your back and feet a favour and keep the high heels only for special occasions. Victoria Beckham and Kim Kardashian may swear by their towering stilettos but they also have a battery of help to cater to their every need. An alarming number ofwomen have started wearing heels on a daily basis, or every other day. And experts say that wearing high heels affects posture, puts a lot of pressure on joints, and at times even lead to conditions like painful bunions, hammer toes, back pain and arthritis. Not to mention the risk of twisting your leg and falling down.
Damage control: Ensure that if you have to wear heels often, they aren't more than 1.5 inches. Alternatively, carry a pair of flats while you travel and wear heels only for some time. Rest your feet after wearing heels by soaking feet in warm water.

Lugging around a heavy handbag
Most womens hangbags weigh an average two to five kilos. Shocked? You should be. The sheer number of things women keep and carry in their handbags can scare most men off.
But carrying around such heavy bags put your health at risk — you're inviting a health problems like back, neck and shoulder pain. Your posture also goes for a toss — lugging around a heavy bag will make you slouch sooner or later.
Damage control: Make it a habit to empty your bag every week or two and carry only absolutely necessary items. Or even better — switch to a smaller bag to avoid the temptation of putting more things in your handbag.

Not removing your makeup at night
Sometimes even the most meticulous women give in and don't remove their makeup before turning in at night. While this cardinal sin is a strict no-no, what you should know is that leaving makeup on all night is inviting skin problems. Your face needs to be cleaned of the makeup, dirt and oil at the end of the day or you will face problems like clogged pores, tired looking skin and pimples. Wearing eye makeup overnight can cause eye irritation or even infection.
Damage control: Keep a bottle makeup remover and cotton swabs right next to your bed so that no matter how tired you are, you can just reach out and remove the makeup.

Trying to outdo men at drinking
Among those women who feel they can drink as much as men if not more? Do yourself a favour and stay away from such drinking competitions. On an average, women not only weigh lesser than men, they also have lesser body water to dilute the alcohol, meaning they get drunk faster. Not to mention the damage you do to your liver by these binge drinking sessions.
Damage control: Let the men drink themselves silly. Recognise your limits and stick to them.

Wearing ill-fitting bras
Over a whopping 65% of women are thought to wear the wrong sized bra. And wearing an ill-fitting bra can have repurcussions like neck, back and breast pain, bad posture, skin irritation and even breathing problems. Not only will your clothes sit badly on you but you will also slouch a bit.
Damage control: Go to a lingerie store and get yourself measured by an expert so that you know your exact size. And since womens bodies tend to change, get yourself measured once a year.

Dwelling over the past
When you refuse to let go or stop thinking of your past or worrying incessantly about the future, you are damaging your present as well your future. Mental stress can drain you of energy and affect you in more ways than you realise. And according to studies, women have a higher chance of suffering from stress-related disorders than men.
Damage control: If you find yourself depressed or anxious, ask yourself what is causing it. Is it a broken relationship or health woes? Address the problem at the root and don't be afraid of asking for help.

Worrying about looks
Vanity affects both the sexes but it affects a far larger number of women than men. And women have a range of body issues, which can take a toll on them mentally. Going on numerous diets, having eating disorders and undergoing excessive cosmetic surgery can cause you physical harm.
Damage control: Toss those beauty magazines in the trash and improve your body image by making a conscious effort. Be happy with what you've been given.

Emotional eating
When was the last time you reached out for that comfort food and guiltily ate it? Women are genetically more emotional than men while comfort eating affects both sexes, it is said that men tend to eat emotionally when they're happy and women when they are upset. And women tend to satiate their cravings with sweet, high calorie foods instead of healthier options.
Damage control: Next time instead of allowing the carvings to get the better of you (and your waistline), distract yourself with something other than food.

Not sleeping enough
Do you get your eight hours of sleep every night? Or do you scrimp and then sleep all weekend? Don't blame a hectic lifestyle or stress on not getting enough sleep. Not only can inadequate sleep make you feel lethargic, it can also make you look like hell, apart from causing accidents, overeating and an increased heart disease risk. Sleep affects your blood pressure and mood more than it affects men.
Damage control: Go to sleep early as often as you can and wake up at the same time everyday.

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